Style
by ShadowSilk
Summary: Crackfic. An anguished Kisame found himself confessing his insecurities to Tobi, who nodded sympathetically as he trimmed the Mist-nin's split ends. Friendship. Oneshot.


**Author's Note**: A way-past-overdue gift fic for imanokie01. Here you are, dearie! Enjoy!

**Pairings**: Kisame x Tobi friendship

**Disclaimer**: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Style

By ShadowSilk

--

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of Kisame's face as he slowly, painfully lowered the ace of spades to lean against a joker. He bit his lip, nearly drawing blood with his sharp teeth. After he was satisfied that the two cards were steady, Kisame withdrew his hand, willing for the structure to stay stationary.

Today had allowed for a rare break amidst all of his missions, and Kisame was determined to relish it. That was why he had spent the entire afternoon building a house of cards.

_Steady now_, the Mist-nin thought to himself, as he picked up an ace.

"Kisame."

Startled, Kisame jumped in his seat, inadvertently jostling the table. The house of cards tumbled over and landed in a cluttered heap all over the kitchen floor.

Kisame ground his teeth, fuming. Itachi, standing in the kitchen doorway, looked unconcerned.

"The leader wishes to speak with you," the Uchiha said flatly.

The Mist-nin paled. It was common knowledge that the leader never requested members personally—except for Konan, of course. And considering the fact that Kisame wasn't female, then he had reason to worry.

"Kisame's in trouble, un," Deidara called from the breakfast nook. A wide grin was spread across his face.

Tobi, who was at the counter preparing a banana split for the leader, shot Kisame a sympathetic look. "Tobi's sure that it's nothing bad." His face turned hopeful. "Maybe Kisame-san is going to get a gift!"

Kisame was not convinced.

* * *

It was appropriately spooky in Pein's office. Cobwebs stretched from the ceiling to the floor, providing cushioning for the vermin falling from the crown molding. It was all rather cliché. As he quietly shut the heavy door behind him, Kisame found himself wondering if Pein had purposely tried to make his room creepy or if it looked that way just because he had neglected to clean it.

"Come in, Kisame."

The Mist-nin gingerly stepped over a nest of rats and approached the leader. Pein was situated behind an intimidating desk, his hands folded neatly on a stack of papers. A plump rat purred on his lap.

"What did you need me for, Leader-sama?" Kisame asked uneasily. Rodents made him nervous.

Pein slid a sheet of paper across the desk and beckoned for his subordinate to take it. He looked grim.

"This is a list of Akatsuki's rules and regulations," Pein clarified, noticing Kisame's confused expression. "Read article nine for me."

"All members must keep an appearance that is both neat and evil," Kisame read. "If there is a failure to comply, then the leader of the Akatsuki is authorized to order a modification to the member in question's appearance."

The Mist-nin looked up from the paper. "Huh…?"

Pein sighed.

"There really is no easy way to say this, Kisame," the leader said slowly. He took a deep breath.

"Kisame, you _really _need a haircut."

The Mist-nin dropped the paper. "_What_?"

"I am running an evil organization," Pein said, suddenly angry, "not a big hair band!"

Shocked, Kisame brought a hand to his hair. True, he hadn't gotten a haircut in a long time, but between maiming and collecting Jinchuuriki, he simply had no time for such frivolous things.

"Leader-sama—" Kisame began to protest, but he was immediately cut off.

Pein forcefully jabbed a finger in the direction of the door. "Go. And if you return without an improvement in your appearance…" He gave him a severe look. "…Well, you don't really want to know what will happen." Both Pein and his pet rat smiled unpleasantly at the thought.

His subordinate was out the door in a matter of seconds.

* * *

"Haircut," grumbled Kisame, stomping down the hallway. "Bah!"

He veered left, heading for Hidan's room. Kisame figured that, since the immortal was so obsessed with his appearance, he would probably be able to assist him with his hair problem.

Kisame opened the door to Kakuzu and Hidan's room. "Hidan, I need you to he—"

Kakuzu looked up. Splatters of Spam stained his clothing and face. Kisame did a double take.

"Hidan's not here," Kakuzu said bluntly.

Kisame was aghast. "What the hell are you d_oing_?"

Kakuzu stared at him as if it was obvious. "There's a coupon for a cash prize in one of these cans."

The Mist-nin raised his eyebrows and without a word, left the room.

Kakuzu reached for the final can. All of his hopes rested with this last one. If the coupon wasn't in here…well, someone was going to lose his life tonight.

With stiff fingers, Kakuzu popped the tab and pulled back the metal cover. He was instantly hit by the overpowering stench of canned meat. It was going to take a week and a full bottle of Hidan's atrocious aftershave to be rid of the smell.

The top clattered to the floor. Kakuzu quickly shook out the contents of the container and peered inside.

_You lose_.

With an anguished cry, Kakuzu fell back into the mountain of meat.

* * *

Kisame stormed down the hallway. He was running out of options, now that he had learned that Hidan was gone.

He could go to the barbershop, but he always had bad experiences in public due to his appearance. Shuddering at the bad memories, Kisame opted to save that option as a last resort.

He could cut his hair himself. But after a moment of consideration, Kisame decided against it. He couldn't trust himself to stay civilized around sharp objects of any kind—that was why the leader had restricted him to using plastic silverware.

He could defy orders and let his hair continue on its merry path. Kisame suddenly stopped walking. He could see himself now...

_Kisame grinned, tightening his grip on Samehada. The sword was pointed straight at the throat of a gaunt shinobi, who stared back at his enemy with brazen eyes. Kisame glanced at the kunai in the man's fist._

_"Drop the weapon," Kisame ordered._

_The man gave him a defiant look. "Like hell. You don't scare me."_

_Kisame's smile grew wider._

_"Are you sure about that?" he asked._

_He recieved a hateful glare. Kisame chuckled._

_"I guess I'm going to have to pull out the heavy reinforcements, then." The Mist-nin wore an expression of mock regret._

_To the cornered man's surprise, Kisame reached for the conical hat covering his head. The hat was dramatically pulled off and thrown to the ground._

_The man turned white. His kunai came clattering to the ground._

_"Oh my god," the man gasped. He began to shake in fear._

_"That's right." Kisame smirked, running a hand through his imposing mullet. "It's business in the front, buddy. All business."_

_The man was terrified. This shinobi's hairstyle was just too intimidating for him to handle. "I'll tell! I'll tell!" He squeezed his eyes shut. "Please don't hurt me!"_

_Kisame wore a smug look as the man groveled at his feet. The mullet had done it again._

A tap on his shoulder yanked Kisame out of his thoughts. The Mist-nin turned around to find himself face-to-face with a jauntily waving Tobi.

He was eager. "Did Kisame-san get a gift from the leader?"

Kisame snorted. "No. Not really."

"Oh." Tobi's face fell. He tilted his head to the side, curious. "What did Leader-sama want?"

Kisame was tempted to turn around and head for the solidarity of his room, but seeing Tobi's eager demeanor compelled him to do otherwise.

"I have to get a haircut," he mumbled.

"Really?" Tobi exclaimed.

"Yeah," sighed Kisame. "But Hidan's gone, so I don't really know where—"

The masked nin excitedly gestured at himself. "Tobi used to work in a barbershop!"

Kisame raised an eyebrow. "You did?"

"Yes!" Tobi was proud. "Before Tobi came to the Akatsuki!" He suddenly gasped, causing Kisame to take a step backward. "_Maybe Tobi can give Kisame-san a haircut!_"

Kisame furrowed his eyebrows in surprise. "Really? You'd do that for me?"

"Of course!" he beamed. "Tobi will get his scissors!"

With that, the perpetually plucky boy sped off down the corridor, leaving behind a rather apprehensive Kisame.

* * *

Kisame found a pink plastic poodle sheet swept over his shoulders as soon as he settled down on a kitchen barstool.

"Is this completely necessary?" Kisame looked down at the smiling poodles in disdain.

Tobi, who was holding up a large pair of shears in one hand, gave him a disbelieving look.

"Of course it is, Kisame-san!" Tobi exclaimed, giving the shears a few practice snips. Kisame shrank back.

"I think I've changed my mind," he said quickly, getting up.

"Don't worry, Kisame-san! Tobi is very good with scissors." Tobi quickly reassured him. "Tobi was the one who made all of the paper snowflakes last winter."

Kisame gingerly sat back down. He had to admit, those snowflakes were actually quite impressive.

Tobi raised the shears to his client's head and began snipping. Pieces of hair began falling into Kisame's eyes and collected in his gills. He willed himself to stay still—if he made any sudden movements, Tobi might accidentally hack off his ear. Or worse.

Several minutes passed. Kisame leaned back in his chair. The rhythmic snipping was strangely soothing. Surprisingly, Tobi actually seemed to know what he was doing. It hit Kisame that Tobi was the Akatsuki's housekeeper—by asking Tobi to help him with his problem, he was just handing him more work. A nagging voice in Kisame's head urged him to say something—anything.

"Tobi?" Kisame said. He had never been good at this sort of thing. After all, maiming and killing hadn't exactly improved his communication skills.

"Hm?"

"Hey…um, thanks."

"It's no problem, Kisame-san!" the makeshift barber replied, cheerful as always. "Tobi is always happy to help."

The Mist-nin cracked a small, wry smile. "Honestly, you don't know how much this helps me out." He sighed. "Since—y'know—I can't go to public barbershops…"

Tobi looked concerned. "Why not, Kisame-san?"

Kisame's tone turned steely. "It's kind of a touchy subject."

"It's okay, Kisame-san," Tobi said sincerely, as he trimmed off a few split ends. "You don't have to tell Tobi if you don't want to."

There was something incredibly honest in his voice. The nagging began again, compelling the troubled man to share his troubles.

"It's because I'm blue," Kisame confessed in one breath. The snipping sound instantly stopped.

"Blue?" Tobi sounded perplexed.

"Yeah." Kisame's shoulders sagged. "And the whole teeth-and-gills thing…it really freaks some people out."

Tobi nodded sympathetically as he made a diagonal cut.

"It's not easy being blue," the Mist-nin said wistfully. "…And part shark, that ain't so great either."

"What do you mean?" Tobi asked.

"Well, sometimes…people try to catch me," Kisame said, miserable, "so they can serve me as filet mignon."

Tobi shook his head, astounded by their cruelty.

"And sometimes…" Kisame wrinkled his brow. "…people try to rush me to the hospital, thinking that I have a flesh-eating disease."

Tobi put a hand to his heart.

"But the worst thing is when they stare," finished the Mist-nin, clenching and unclenching his fists. "That's gotta be the worst."

"How does that make you feel, Kisame-san?" Tobi asked gently.

"Even after I chop them up a little with Samehada, I still don't feel any better." Kisame put his face in his hands. "You don't know what it's like."

"Let it all out, Kisame-san," said Tobi soothingly.

"I feel…I feel like I'm the lowest of the low." Kisame looked up at Tobi. He wore a pained expression. "Like a freaking _amoeba._"

He folded his arms over the kitchen counter and rested his chin in his hands. Tobi heard him let out a gusty sigh.

"Kisame-san," Tobi said after a moment, "Tobi doesn't think you're an amoeba—nobody does." He nodded sagely. "Except maybe a dinosaur."

A few moments passed, as Kisame tried to comprehend his words. Without another remark, Tobi picked up the scissors and resumed working on his customer's hair.

Kisame spoke hesitantly, breaking the silence. "Hey, Tobi?"

"Yes?"

The Mist-nin looked down at the sheet. The poodles were grinning at him. "Thanks…again. For listening. You know, I've never talked about this with anyone."

"No problem, Kisame-san!" Tobi beamed behind his mask. "Tobi always likes to help his friends."

_Friends_. Though he would never say it out loud, Kisame liked the sound of that.

Someone who wouldn't judge him.

Someone who wouldn't stare.

Someone who wouldn't pursue him with a cleaver.

_A friend_.

"Thanks," Kisame said, cracking a toothy grin. "And, Tobi…?"

The masked nin cocked his head to the side. "Yes?"

"Don't you dare tell anyone about this," Kisame narrowed his eyes. "Unless you want me to cut off your legs and feed them to Zetsu. Got it?"

Tobi saluted. "Of course, Kisame-san!"

And the good boy picked up his scissors and continued cutting his friend's hair.

* * *

"Well, we're all done here!" Tobi announced, whisking the poodle sheet off his customer's shoulders. "Take a look!"

Kisame took the mirror. His eyes bugged out.

"What," he growled, "the _hell _did you do to my _hair_?!"

Frightened, Tobi began to back away in the direction of the door.

"Tobi gave Kisame-san a haircut!" the terrified nin squeaked.

Kisame gripped the mirror with both hands. Chunks of his hair were missing—he was left with numerous bald patches all over his head. Tufts of hair stuck up at odd angles in random places.

"I thought you worked at a barbershop," Kisame said in a strangled voice, unable to tear his eyes away from the reflection of his ruined hair.

"Y-yes." Tobi fervently nodded his head. "…Tobi sorted all the bottles of shampoo."

"_WHAT_?!" Kisame exploded. "You've never actually cut hair before?"

A tiny "_no_" was the reply.

Kisame suddenly grew very still.

"Come here, Tobi," the Mist-nin said quietly. Tobi cautiously took a step forward.

Kisame suddenly grabbed the scissors.

"I think you need a haircut too," he said, revealing his sharp teeth.

Tobi laughed nervously. "No, Tobi's fine."

"I don't think so," snarled Kisame. Noticing his maniacal expression, and the pair of shears glinting dangerously in the shark nin's hand, Tobi took the hint and bolted out of the kitchen.

"But Kisame-san!" Tobi cried, hurtling down the hallway with Kisame close in pursuit. "It's against the rules to run with scissors!"

* * *

**Author's Note**: I haven't written oneshots in quite a while, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Please feel free to tell me what you did or didn't like! I love constructive criticism. :D

Thanks for reading!


End file.
